Sleep vs Spider Man

I went to sleep last night far, far too late. I used to function well on 4-5 hours of sleep but as I age my body rejects that notion. That fact is frustrating today as I have ambitious plans for the day. Now I am nursing a chai and egg wrap while soaking in our sun soaked living room listening to boys yell at the Xbox. In itself that is tragic because it's the tail end of summer break and I have a day off work. Perhaps if I sit here long enough my body will soak up enough solar power to drive the day forward.

We all went to bed late last night thanks to Spider Man. Not the actual dude in spandex but the movie...Spider Man 2. Which is funny because it feels like there have been an awful lot of Spider Man movies. I am forced to question Marvel's sequencing methods.  My guess is they assigned this Spider Man #2 in an attempt to erase the whole Tobey Maguire franchise from our memories. Oh....if we only could.

Anyway, only our youngest had seen the movie in theatres and since he was struggling with containment issues ("I shouldn't tell you this but Gwen dies") we figured we should see what all the excitement was about. As midnight approached I found myself worrying about Gwen's departure from Peter's life while simultaneously wishing it would happen sooner so I could go to sleep. Needless to say, action, action, action, love story, action, love, more action.....and cut. It's after midnight now and the boys have stretched their summer bedtime in excess of two hours. Zzzzzzz Waking did not come easy this morning even though I woke only once in the night.

For me, sleep is sometimes a chore while other days I wish I could spend the day drifting in an out in my cozy bed. I think that concept is really just a dream however (pun intended). Even if presented with opportunity to laze in bed for a day I don't think I would seize it. I mean how does anyone get anything done if they are lazing in bed all day? And there in lies the problem. There are far too many things to do in a day. Who has time for sleep?

Physiologically I guess I understand the science behind it. Sleep is regulated by an internal drive...we require sleep for the bodies restorative process....something about brain plasticity....and more sciencey stuff. I am however fairly certain that my 'drive' is off kilter. Or rather in competition with some other force deep within my brain. I rarely have trouble falling asleep but then at some point my brain wakes to remind me of all the things I should do; people I should catch up with or reach out to. There are also the off the shelf concerns about marriage, children, finances and so on. I think my body uses just enough sleep to restore and reboot and then the internal list in my head takes over. Usually around 3 or 4 am. I have tampered with the idea of becoming an early morning news anchor or radio personality since it's my understanding they are already at work at that ungodly hour. Then again, they probably can't ever stay up till midnight with their kids to watch Spider Man....2.

Today I awoke very early, tiptoed to the solitude of my living room and with chai in hand proceeded to pour over the news. It's sort of a habit...the waking early and reading thing. I don't wake early on purpose and I cherish the rare mornings I can sleep late. But since I am often up before anyone, catching up on the news is a quiet activity. By news I mean regional papers, Globe & Mail, Guardian, Salon and People. Mostly just the highlights. And yes, People magazine gets to be the 'news' in my world. Amidst the insanity that is found in stories of political unrest, human rights violations and environmental atrocities, I like to see what the beautiful people in Hollywood are wearing and who they are dating and what Savannah Guthrie named her baby. I am not simple minded. I am complex and curious. I don't drink in excess, I don't take drugs or gamble or lie or cheat or steal. I have an addiction to decorative pillows, breaking news and pop culture. I love my family, like my brief periods of solitude, prefer a clean house over the alternative, wish I had more money to travel and I really like to keep up with the news. Even when insanely shallow stories are involved.

This morning I read the words written by a former columnist in our local paper. A year ago she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Tragically she has lost her independence and resides in a care home where she is "waiting to die".

Whoa! My heart breaks and my brain turns up the noise.

There is a lot of noise in my head. I am a thinker. I worry. I analyze a lot! I imagine that if someone were to illustrate my thoughts it would look like one of those insane traffic circles somewhere overseas where rules and painted lines and enforcement give way to speedy agile drivers whizzing to their destinations with luck and a death wish sharing the passenger seat.

The ADD brain is a blessing and a curse.

Anyway, I have thought about it for some time but after reading that sad article today, I decided to start a blog. As my eyes poured over the words of the former award winning columnist, I was reminded once again that while life presents you with joy, it also kicks you in the teeth sometimes. I am terrified of getting sick and dying before I see all my children graduate and travel and find true love and create life and accomplish independence and so on and so on. I am terrified my love will leave me suddenly like my girlfriends husband left her. So suddenly on a Tuesday while coaching his son in hockey. His heart just decided to stop. WTF? Simply put, I want to live until I am damn good and ready to do something else. And I want my love to live as long as I damn well decide it's enough. Did you catch that....as long as "I" decide. Just kidding.

But...in the meantime and because I don't have a whole lot of say on the matter, I am going to write some shit down. Keep a record of the life I have left. It sure as heck better be a long long time.

Currently I have pictures to show what my life looks like, well the good parts anyway. But, I don't have words. And I like words. I will likely use a lot of them.